Am I Still Called… or Just Conditioned?
When commitment gets confused with survival
At some point, every humanitarian I’ve worked with has asked a version of this question:
“Is this still a calling… or just a habit I don’t know how to break?”
Sometimes it’s whispered quietly, with shame.
Sometimes it bursts out after a restructure, a betrayal, or a line crossed.
Sometimes it’s felt but never spoken — hidden beneath loyalty, duty, or fear.
But the question lingers, just below the surface:
Am I still doing this work because I believe in it — or because I don’t know who I’d be without it?
The confusion is human.
Calling can be beautiful. Sacred, even.
But when systems exploit that sense of calling — when devotion is demanded rather than offered — it can get distorted.
We start confusing:
Endurance with integrity
Over-functioning with purpose
Trauma bonding with commitment
Over time, we stop asking if it’s still right for us.
We just learn how to survive it better.
Conditioning can sound like:
“I can’t imagine doing anything else.”
“I’ve put too much into this to walk away now.”
“What would it mean about me if I quit?”
“It’s hard, but this is just how it is.”
“At least I’m making a difference… right?”
These aren’t signs of failure.
They’re signs of entanglement — where your work has become so intertwined with your identity that it’s hard to separate who you are from what you do.
Here’s what I want you to know.
You don’t have to abandon your values to untangle from dysfunction.
You don’t have to prove your worth through self-sacrifice.
And you don’t need to stay loyal to a role that no longer reflects your truth.
The work may have once called you.
But that doesn’t mean you owe it your whole self forever.
Calling evolves.
It deepens, shifts, and sometimes asks us to let go of what no longer fits — so something wiser can emerge.
Let yourself ask the real questions.
Is this still aligned with who I am now?
What is this costing me?
Would I choose this again today?
What am I afraid might happen if I stop?
These are not selfish questions.
They are courageous questions.
And asking them might just bring you closer to the life you were meant to live — not just the mission you inherited.
You are allowed to change.
You are allowed to be grateful for all this work has taught you and still outgrow it.
You are allowed to imagine a future that includes wholeness, not just impact.
There’s no medal for staying in a system that’s no longer right for you.
But there is wisdom in choosing your truth — even if it leads you somewhere unexpected.
You are not weak for wondering.
You are not broken for feeling tired.
You are still called — just maybe, now, to something else.
Thanks for reading The Olive Pages: Fieldnotes on care, clarity, and staying whole
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KRC provides coaching, psychosocial support, and organizational consulting to humanitarian professionals and mission-driven organizations worldwide. Based in lived experience and trauma-aware care, our work helps clients navigate burnout, moral injury, organizational change, and career transitions — while staying human in the process.